i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
