I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
