Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
BRING THE BAGELS
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
