walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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