You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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