I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize