I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
