Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
