I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
