Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
