Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
