Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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