ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
