Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
