If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
