I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
