dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
