his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
