Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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