Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think a kid would responsible me up
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
