he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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