my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
