....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
