Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
