I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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