So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
