He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i drank out of a bidet.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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