Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
