I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Randomize
