I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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