I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found a bag of teeth...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
