I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
