We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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