u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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