I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize