if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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