I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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