Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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