Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
