The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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