Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
