I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
