Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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