There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Green mimosas i think yes
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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