Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
we're so committed to being not committed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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