When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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