Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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