Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
