Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
