He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
