if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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