I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
