I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
