My friends, they love my intelligence
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
