I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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