He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
my liver is dry heaving
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
