I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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