The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
