I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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