hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
