I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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